| The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. |
The time required
All principles of gravity
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earths surface. A spooky noise or an adversarys signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earths surface. A spooky noise or an adversarys signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
As speed increases
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a characters head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a characters head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Certain bodies
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe loeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a walls surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
This trompe loeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a walls surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon cats possess
| Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. |
club didnt allow women
country club didnt allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a womens club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the womens club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a womens club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the womens club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
Seven Points
An old man and his wife had just gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, Im ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, Tie score."
After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown Im ahead 14-7."
Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown tie score."
The old man strains really hard but to no avail; he cant fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-Time, Switch-Sides"
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, Im ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, Tie score."
After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown Im ahead 14-7."
Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown tie score."
The old man strains really hard but to no avail; he cant fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-Time, Switch-Sides"
Phil loved golf
Phil loved golf, but his eye sight had gotten so bad, that he couldnt find his ball once hed hit it.
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Phil bring along her uncle John.
Phil said, "But John is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Phil finally agreed and took John along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
John nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Phil excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
John said, "Hmmm. I forgot."
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Phil bring along her uncle John.
Phil said, "But John is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Phil finally agreed and took John along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
John nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Phil excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
John said, "Hmmm. I forgot."
scoffs the golfer
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It`s a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I`m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It`s a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I`m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
Three guys
Three guys
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and asks, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into the pond.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro again said, "Loft."
As they are walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up and asks the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same answer each time.
"What is loft?"
The pro said, "Lack of fu**ing talent."
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and asks, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into the pond.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro again said, "Loft."
As they are walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up and asks the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same answer each time.
"What is loft?"
The pro said, "Lack of fu**ing talent."
Accepting the challenge
Accepting the challenge
A young man who was an avid golfer had a few hours to spare. He figured that if he played quickly, he could squeeze in nine holes before heading home. Just as he was about to tee-off, an elderly gentleman asked if he could accompany him as he, too, was playing alone. The young man agreed. When they finally reached the ninth fairway, the young man had a tough shot-there was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green.
He was considering how to hit the shot, when the other man said, "When I was your age, I`d hit the ball right over that tree."
Accepting the challenge, the younger man swung hard and hit the ball smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded back on the ground not far from where it originally lay.
"Of course," the elderly man continued, "when I was your age, that pine tree was only a meter tall."
A young man who was an avid golfer had a few hours to spare. He figured that if he played quickly, he could squeeze in nine holes before heading home. Just as he was about to tee-off, an elderly gentleman asked if he could accompany him as he, too, was playing alone. The young man agreed. When they finally reached the ninth fairway, the young man had a tough shot-there was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green.
He was considering how to hit the shot, when the other man said, "When I was your age, I`d hit the ball right over that tree."
Accepting the challenge, the younger man swung hard and hit the ball smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded back on the ground not far from where it originally lay.
"Of course," the elderly man continued, "when I was your age, that pine tree was only a meter tall."
baby down
baby down
Throw the baby down!" shouted the fireman to a woman on top of a blazing building.
"I won`t!" she yelled back. "You might drop him!"
No, I won`t!" he shouted back. "I m a professional goalkeeper!"
Reassured, the woman dropped her baby to the footballer, who immediately bounced the child three times and kicked him over the garden wall...!
Throw the baby down!" shouted the fireman to a woman on top of a blazing building.
"I won`t!" she yelled back. "You might drop him!"
No, I won`t!" he shouted back. "I m a professional goalkeeper!"
Reassured, the woman dropped her baby to the footballer, who immediately bounced the child three times and kicked him over the garden wall...!
Definition of cricket
Definition of cricket
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man thats in the side thats in goes out, and when hes out he comes in and the next man goes in until hes out. When they are all out, the side thats out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!
play a round of golf
play a round of golf
man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf. The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.
Amazed, the friend says, Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?
Somersaults, the man says.
Somersaults! the friend exclaims.
Thats incredible. How many does he do?
It all depends on how hard I kick him.
man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf. The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.
Amazed, the friend says, Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?
Somersaults, the man says.
Somersaults! the friend exclaims.
Thats incredible. How many does he do?
It all depends on how hard I kick him.
